Befuddling

Not too long ago, I posted about working two jobs. It was quite the adjustment to go from working full time in IT and feeling like you had a semi-important roll to finding two part time jobs that aren't half the responsibility. I'm ashamed to admit I felt like I went from being somebody to being nobody. How arrogant!

I wasn't accustomed to having little to no expectations from my boss, only being needed during my shift, needing very little experience in the job responsibilities, and having co-workers who have no further ambition in life than to have enough money to get drunk every night (the retail job). Well, I came to hate retail and hope to never have to work it again, and came to love and accept that I enjoy customer service. You could sum up my current responsibilities with those two words...Customer Service. And I love it. Though I miss the perks of working in IT (getting to play with new stuff before it is released to the general public), I much more enjoy taking care of people and making them feel "at home". What I'm trying to say here, is that I love my current job... for so many reasons.

• I work with people who are passionate about what they do. Working with people who enjoy what they are doing makes it easier to enjoy what you are doing and harder to complain about what you are doing.
• Everyone I work with gets along. For the most part, everyone shows respect to each other. It is so cool to hear all my co-workers, unbelievers and believers, esteem our boss, respect her, and like her so much; she is a Christian! (She! -I've never had good experiences with female bosses- but she is great!)
• My job is good for my health. I'm not kidding! Smiling releases endorphins causing me to be in a better mood when I leave work. I smile, pretty much, my entire shift. It's great!
• My boss appreciates her employees. enough said
• I don't even have to pick out what to wear to work everyday! I love uniforms!!!
• I only have to work 3 days a week. Though I go in at 5:50, I'm done by noon (except on Wednesdays, when I do a split shift and go back at 4 until 7). ... this leads me to my problem.

I have been trying to pursue a position with organizations designed to help under-privileged children. From mentally handicapped to abused to neglected to autistic to poor- all under-privileged loves of God. Why haven't I? I'm not sure... I've actually made tons of connections with people at our church who either work for organizations of the like or are "on the board"... but for some reason, I've hesitated. I suppose my hesitations have had something to do with how hard it was to "get back on my feet" when we moved... and... my intimidation. I have this preconceived idea that this field, not only requires, but needs someone who has a degree in Psychology, Social Work , or Counseling. So regardless of the prompting and encouragement I've received from these "connections", I've hesitated. Just recently, though, I have gained a stable schedule and have learned that I will not be stressed from work. So, I've been trying to figure out where to start and taking steps towards pursuing this since I do have the time, due to my excellent schedule.

The problem? Well, my boss wants me to apply and interview for a new position. One that would be working with great people. One that would be needed. One that would be more money. One that would be in charge of all my current peers. One that would be full time. One that would require a lot more of my energy. If I could, I would put all of my energy into youth ministry. With this schedule, I am pretty much able. Taking on a full time job that would require much more of me, would mean I wouldn't have that freedom, and it means I would be, again, distracting myself from pursuing these chances to work with under-privileged, over-challenged children. I am so passionate about loving kiddos where they are. With my all-or-nothing personality, I like to give my all to my passions and do not enjoy being divided. (more on that later)

Remember when I said that I tend to only push myself when it comes to things I deem "necessary"? Though my husband does not put pressure on me to make more money, in the back of my head, I keep thinking I should get over what I want to do and "responsibly take this opportunity". It's like it's right there in front of me, so I feel like it's what I have to do. Somehow, my sick mind is twisting "doing what you have to do" with nobility; Despite the fact that I have been on numerous soap boxes about being wholeheartedly devoted to whatever you are doing. (Inspired by Jim Elliot who said "Wherever you are, be all there"). My choleric tendency is to take on a "do or die" perspective and adapt my passions to whatever I have to do. (Aagghh! It's sick how well I justify my actions.)

I suppose I know that I should not pursue the position at work. I just need to come to terms with that.