A Confession From Me To You

I'm beginning this post not knowing if I will publish it. Though, all day numerous things have run through my head to post about, this one is all I can think of right now. My current motivations are partly magnanimous and partly selfish. Writing will help me organize my thoughts and if they are organized enough, I just might publish them.

I'm trying to catalog my "religious background". Someone recently asked me exactly that; "What is your religious background?" I fumbled through it, avoiding my habitual "testimony". You see, my later years of life were spent revolving around church; which I am grateful for. But as a result of that, I had formed a pretty mechanical response to questions such as these. Having a "Christian environment", these questions were usually something along the lines of "When did you get saved?" or "What is your testimony?". I hate that that word has lost its meaning. Eitherway, I knew what this kid was asking and he wanted something more than to press a button a receive and answer I knew I would get an A on.

Church was a part of life the way school was when I was little. From my perspective, it didn't really affect the daily life. I didn't know it could or even that it should. As a result, my parents were separated for a while when I was young. Being a child, I rationalized it as work reasons. I didn't suspect that they were "separated" because I wouldn't have known why. Constant yelling, screaming, fighting, swearing, throwing things, and leaving was normal to me. It appears that God used the separation to sober both my parents. Because when they got back together, life was a whole different story...

All of the sudden, my dad was going to a "legalistic" church and enjoying it. Naturally, we, too, were enveloped. We had moved to Puerto Rico, far from everything we knew at this point, so the legalism didn't generate any frustration to our family. It was a chance to sit back, watch, and learn. By the time we moved back to the States, you could see my parents had grown up a lot.

Now, I realize I have spent most of my time talking about my parents in attempting to explain my religious background. But you'd be surprised at how much a parents life and growth can affect a child.

We had joined a "normal" church when we moved back to the states and became incredibly involved. Church was second priority to school. (Because the whole family was involved it was like killing two priorities with one stone). Well, here, I had an unbelievably respectable youth pastor who really showed me (and my family) that it wasn't about knowing God or even doing Godly things. It was about having a relationship with God. And I was going to do that right! (note my jest). I did genuinely learned what it was like to "hunger for God" and "be fed" by Scripture in developing my relationship with God. I did realize that the Bible really could come alive. ...

Well, I went on growing in that stage of my life, and ended up at a "Christian University". Here, I became ridiculously frustrated with Christians. (I believe this is the stage I still have growing to do in. However, I have learned a great deal so far.) I became really cynical about church, chapel, prayer groups, accountability, and Christian people in general. My distaste for the- what I like to call- Christian brand was fostered by judgmental, condescending, ignorant, backbiting, cliche, fake, and/or obnoxious hypocrites. I let Satan use my distaste to write off almost every Christian I encountered. I never knew how much my "righteous anger" could be used against me. I drifted from the Church; not because of rebellion or backsliding. Ironic, how my good intentions to defend Christ's name were used to take me away from Christ. (more on this in another post). It was harder than any other time in my life to hear His heart for me. I regret the time I wasted....

Eventually, I realized that I was the one being judgmental and ignorant. I was slow to realize that I am each of those things I was judging other Christians for being at one point or another in life. While casting stones at my peers, I was letting other faulty beings determine my relationship with the Lord! In my desire to conquer this, I prayed so hard that the Lord would give me inspiring fellowship and challenging worship. I found a church that harvested this growth and right when I was so content, growing, and grateful, God moved me here....

Here I am, hoping (confidently expecting) that God is taking me from one stage to the next.... but wishing I could have stayed in the last. haha. (Here we go again on learning contentment.) Sheeesh, how many times do we have to learn that lesson!?

I think I'm going to publish this... but I wonder how often I will edit it...