Abnormally Grateful

I have recently been deeply wounded by some people whom I was somewhat dependent upon. I say "deeply" because it was very planned and intentional. It still blows me away that the ridiculousness of soap opera scandals actually have validity based on real human interactions as such. My response to things has been very out of the ordinary... for me. I don't typically have self-control when being attacked... I'm not normally silent in injustice... I'm not usually one to "sit back and take it"... I typically respond with knives of hurtful truths about my attacker... I normally vocalize how irrational what's happening is... I usually "stand up for myself". But whilst everything was unfolding I sat their silently peaceful. Scripture was running through my head as if I was hitting "ctrl + f" and searching the Bible for every last verse that encouraged meekness. I walked away from the situation in a trance-like state. It wasn't until I sat down in my car that I felt like I had returned to my body. Everything that had just happened hit me and I broke down. I looked up, "Why didn't I defend myself, God? What the heck!? This feels worse than I feel when I regret what I say!?"

Friends offered all sorts of comfort, "They better watch out for karma", "The people in your life that matter know you better than all of that", "They will have to answer for what they've done to you"- it was this tid bit that you'd think would bring me the most comfort. Ironically, after a couple of days contesting to God, begging him to harshly judge them for what they had done to me (acknowledging how childish I sounded), my thoughts drastically changed. It was no longer comforting to know they would have to answer to God... it was scary. I was scared for them and for myself. I was sitting at a stoplight when this realization hit me. I thought, "Oh man, all the things I need to answer for in my life..." Forgiveness started running through my brain and morphing all my thoughts about the situation... strange- especially for me.

Do I feel better about everything now? No. I still feel like they defeated me. I still feel like a big fat loser in the situation. It frustrates me to no end to think that that's how they see the situation and that they have no idea how wrong what they did was. But there is this inexplicable peace about the death of that chapter of my life. There is this expectation, dare I say hope, about what is next. Even though I have no clue what is next and was completely content where I was. ... this whole predicament has been such a bizarre experience for me.